Cru Jones Society

Throughout history good villains have defined good heroes. Where would Edison, Superman, and pizza lovers be without Tesla, Luther, and the Noid? I don’t know, and frankly I don’t want to know. Also I’m not completely sure who was the hero and who was the villain between Edison and Tesla.

More or less these historic villains held their own against worthy opponents. Cartoons from my youth have mimicked this formula. While some were successful, Masters of the Universe, they are less interesting than the incompetent villains from the cartoons of my childhood. So I present to you the 6 biggest failures in cartoon villainy. Continue Reading »

After a hiatus that lasted achingly too long, we’re back with a vengeance. 2008 was widely regarded as a year of shit, although the staff at CJS took incredible steps in our real jobs, some in our personal lives, and definitely in our ability to cater to an audience that refuses to make the most of its work day. We’re here once again with daily updates, with a brand new interactive Facebook page, with merchandise to show everyone how badass a BMX movie/Internet comedy site can be (check out the third tab on the mainpage for more details), and a reinvigorated Senor Limon.

We thought of no better way to kick off the biggest year in CJS history (True, we’re not even through a complete first year - shut up.) than to preview the year to come. Dagger, Hart and Limon have compiled their answers to the year’s most burning questions. We’ve covered death, movies, music, politics and a whole metric fuckton more. Come on inside for a massive staff-wide post to kick off the new year. And stay tuned, because at the end we’re launching a brand new weekly feature that requires the participation of all the CJS readers. So strap in, friends. CJS is back, and we’re better than ever. Continue Reading »

This Happy Friday is slightly different in a couple of ways. First of all it’s on a Monday. Second, in addition to a few current news stories we have gone through and picked out some links from past Happy Fridays, either stories that were a big deal in ‘08, or stories that we just plain liked. We put this off long enough so let’s get to it. Continue Reading »

As Billy Mack, the shameless, over-the-hill pop crooner unabashedly selling out for a quick holiday paycheck from the movie Love Actually says, “Christmas is all around us.” Since many stores started celebrating this fucking holiday back in September, it’s actually been around us for several months. And considering no matter what shape the economy’s in, fit as a fiddle or looking like coma-afflicted Adrian from the interminable middle part of Rocky II, every other news story focuses on how retailers are faring this year. With the economy resembling Adrian this year while Rocky pisses away weeks of valuable training made all the more important by his busted left eye, the stories are coming double time this year.

Since there’s no escaping the Christmas juggernaut, and considering it’s Christmas Eve (why aren’t you with your family already, you vagrant?) let’s take a look at the best and worst of this holiday. Although it’s most likely too late for you to do anything with this information, it’s never too early to prepare for next year, is it? I’m looking in your direction Walgreens with your Christmas aisle mocking the calendar last September. Without further ado, here’s your Christmas awards for 2008. Continue Reading »

After spending the weekend in a consistent drunken state the last thing I wanted to do yesterday was anything Christmas related. So like most Sundays I put the fun aside and did what I had to do. This Sunday I had to wrap the Christmas presents, god I hate wrapping presents. This got me thinking about the thing I hate most about the holiday season: the Christmas carol The 12 Days of Christmas. Continue Reading »

Welcome to the last Friday before Christmas. I have all of next week off from my real job, so it’s a Happy Friday indeed. I’ll be working on Cru Jones Society stuff that week in preparation for 2009, so if you have any suggestions for the site, feel free to drop me a line at edagger [at] crujonessociety [dot] com. I’ve always wanted to type it out like that. I feel so Web 2.0. I want to use a pastel color palette and change everything into a candyass rounded-off Arial-style font that looks like it was ripped off from Skype.

Anyhoo, next week will feature our last updates of 2009 as Hart handles Monday duty, I’ll take Wednesday with a bigass Christmas article, and we tackle the Year In Review on the Final Happy Friday of 2008. But that’s next week. We got plenty of shenanigans this week first. Let’s get to it, shall we? Continue Reading »

It’s that time of year where the television bombards us with an absolute shit storm of  Christmas programming. You know what I’m talking about: It’s a Wonderful Life, A Christmas Story, How the Grinch Stole Christmas, one of the thousands of versions of A Christmas Carol, etc. Last night was no different as “A Charlie Brown Christmas” made its way into my living room. I actually like this one and watched it. It’s a feel good story. I mean really, who can forget that drooping little tree? This is the second Charlie Brown special I have watched within a month so I thought I would chat a little about Good Ol’ Chuck and the rest of the Peanuts gang. Continue Reading »

Here’s a special bonus Things We Hate I wrote in my head while walking to my car yesterday after work. Enjoy.

As I trudged toward my car four blocks away after work yesterday, no longer parked at the godforsaken Greyhound bus station (Thank God), with the snow pummeling my face, my head bundled up like some oppressed Middle Eastern woman, and my hands full of weird prizes from winning my company’s ugly sweater contest, all I could think about was this quote from Hugh Hefner that I read in Esquire last year: “There isn’t a whole lot of point to living half the year in a lousy climate.”

The words circled in my head as I trudged through below-zero temperatures, even frostier wind chills, and snow that looked more like nuclear fallout than the delightful rooftop compliment portrayed by that menace Thomas Kincade. My forehead ached from the cold, my tender, cold-ridden nose burned from the wind, and my beleaguered salt-stained chinos looked like they belonged to Willy Loman after yet another unsuccessful sales trip. Hugh fucking Hefner, man.

This is a man from Chicago, which gives him better lousy climate ethos than virtually anyone outside of Alaska. He now lives in Southern California where experiencing “bad weather” is akin to getting a mild brain freeze from sipping your daiquiri through a straw a bit too quickly. Maybe there’s more to this Hefner guy than just all the decadent parties and rampant sex… Besides, it was fucking -16 degrees yesterday. It could have been Kim buttfucking Kardashian who made that point above and it would have sounded brilliant. Anything of that sort sounds brilliant when your snot freezes.

edagger@crujonessociety.com

Welcome back to the Cru Jones Love Lounge, where honesty is king, and dating columns get shredded. By me. Distributing mass dating and/or relationship advice is a lot like trying to give out tips on how to fix someone’s car. Only by “someone” we of course mean “everyone” when everyone has a different car and no two problems are even alike. It just doesn’t work.

Relationships are like snowflakes - each one individual, each one beautiful at first, each one ending in an annoying puddle on the windshield of your car. And that’s the focus here today. Let’s take a look at how CNN advises you on how not to be a “bad ex.” Continue Reading »

The trek home can involve many obstacles, ask the three men above. For most of us the main obstacle becomes these pesky hours that we are required to put in to keep communism down. But don’t fret CJS has shown up once again to help you out. We have a new batch of links to occupy your time. So sit back, enjoy, and don’t let the boss catch ya. Continue Reading »

The Cru Jones Society reads a lot. We read everything we can get our hands on - books, literature, magazines, comics, criticism, humor, you name it, we’re reading it.

I don’t care for most fiction; real life is much more interesting to me. I can’t relate to vampires, couldn’t give a crap about wizards, warlocks, and elves, and think Tom Clancy is a fear-mongering asshole. But none of things really bother me. The fiction universe is designed to provide either escape or release for its readers. What really bothers me is when nonfiction authors - and so-called journalists - get too full of their own shit. They think of themselves as discoverers of truth, expedition leaders to the cave of the unseen. In reality, they’re nothing more low-rent Dr. Phils - just as bloviating, just as arrogant. Continue Reading »

The last time I was hanging out with Dagger he wouldn’t shut the hell up about High Fidelity. At least once an hour there was some kind of reference to that comedy about fear of commitment, hating your job, falling in love and other pop favorites. It was enough to convince me to re-watch it. Doing so has inspired me to create this list: My top 5 songs for a Monday morning, because you don’t want to hear that sad, bastard crap. Like I said this is just my top 5, I want to hear what yours are as well. Continue Reading »

If you’re wondering who charming pooch above is, that’s Luke, our CJS intern. He finds the week’s links and delivers them to CJS Headquarters in a box adorably placed in his mouth like so. This week he acted in his own self-interest by including links about Michael Vick’s broke ass, the fatherly way to play video games, and this week’s demotivator. To his credit, he also found stuff on the Fame re-make, the new RW/RR Challenge, the way vampires ought to be remembered, and a ton of other stuff. So that’s why this week goes to the dogs. Just a quick reminder, CJS continues on its reduced schedule through the end of the year, so we’re only updated Monday, Wednesday, and Friday.

But hey, it’s Friday! You don’t want to work, and we’ve got a ton of fresh stuff to waste the day with. Come on inside! Continue Reading »

Thanksgiving is now over which means Christmas is practically tomorrow. Or in 22 days, as these Internet sites eager to sell me anything, are equally as eager to inform me. This means that I have to get my act together and write my letter to Santa Claus. Since I know two things: one, Santa exists and two, he reads our site, I figured I would go green and just post my letter online for him to read, and apparently anybody else who stumbles upon the site. So feel free to help him out and buy me gifts. Continue Reading »

It’s the moment you’ve been waiting for. Inside this article is the definitive list of correct choices for all three of the basic human desires - fillin’ your belly, gettin’ freaky, and hittin’ the road. It’s time to find out who is the 2008 Food, Sex, or Cars? Master! Should you have any problems with these answers, take it up with the individual author - they have final say over all rulings with all answers having been run through a world-class thinktank of psychologists, physicists, cryptiosimitists, and other really smart people. Let’s do it! Continue Reading »

Thanks to everone who participated in Food, Sex, or Cars? last week. It’s fun watching everyone squirm thinking about whether to eat a live puppy or hang out with bling-blingy douchebags. We’ll have the results tomorrow. But until then, it’s time to move on.

The English language has been a subject of discussion here at CJS on a number of occasions, it’s only natural since pop culture and everyday life are generally fodder for commentary around here that occasionally we stumble upon little bits of language that just rub us the wrong way. The following is a brief discussion of three words in the English language that inevitably and irrationally piss me off. Join me in my quirky neuroses for a spell will you? Continue Reading »

Not far to go now. And thank God, given some of these choices! This is the last one, so make sure you’ve voted on each scenario. You have until 6:00 pm MST Monday to get all your votes in. Good luck everyone. See you next week. Continue Reading »

Hey, did you see Grandma yesterday? Has she been with you all week? Is she reading this over your shoulder as we speak? If not, doesn’t she look hot in that nylon jogging suit she seems to wear all the time?

Here’s another round of Food Sex or Cars! Continue Reading »

Thanksgiving is over, and now the mindless masses are taking to the streets in the name of scoring insane after-Thanksgiving deals at the shopping mall.  Here at CJS, we’re half drunk and still playing Food, Sex, or Cars?  So instead of blaming our parents for messing us all up, lets try blaming the Internet for a change.  Memes a plenty from days of yore and today inside Continue Reading »

Its Thanksgiving, be sure to shed a single tear for poor Limon as you stuff your face with Turkey, I’m on my way to work.  So, instead of feeling sorry for myself, I’ve created our third, and possibly final F,S or C? for the Ladies. Continue Reading »